I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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