my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
