Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
