were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize