Moan for me like Helen Keller
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
