I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
