i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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