Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
