We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
