I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
