your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
