i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
