Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
