Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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