Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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