I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I want a musical about memes.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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