Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I wish there were birth control emojis
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
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