am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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