I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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