You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
