I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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