i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
