Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
