He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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