I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
