I will die if light touches me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
