why didn't you poke me back
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
