I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You may now shotgun with the bride
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
