She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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