I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
being pregnant is like rehab
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
