She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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