Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
