my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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