what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
