im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
