so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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