Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize