I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
