so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
