Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
