dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
