we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
