she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
