My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
