youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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