remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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