She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
