I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
