it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Randomize
