i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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