There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
where am i from again
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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