you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Drake has all the answers
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
