If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
