yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
