It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
