I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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