This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
