No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
