He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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