Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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