"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
