I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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