I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
