Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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